Trying to pick up the pieces after the loss of our beautiful baby boy, Nayab....

Sunday, April 8, 2012

11 weeks...

Nayab baby, I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you.  It was around this time 11 weeks ago today that I last felt you move, it was a very slight movement like if you had turned your head or upper body slightly.  I often wonder if that is when you left me, or if it was some time through the night.  I am so sorry I didn't realize something was wrong sooner, I would give anything to have been able to save you.  I still can't believe you are gone, it still seems like a bad dream to me, and everyday upon waking, it starts all over again.  I know you remember me and your abba g talking about how much we loved and wanted you, and I believe you could feel our love.  You kept your head right under my heart right up until the bitter end, and I like to believe that the sound of my heartbeat gave you some sort of comfort in your final moments.  I am trying my best to keep myself together, I know you wouldn't want me to fall apart, but it's so hard to continue living while you are no longer with me.  I feel like the day of the surgery they not only removed you from my body, they also removed my heart.  I remember lying there on the table holding my breath when they said the baby's out, I was praying for some sort of miracle, hoping the doctors had made a terrible mistake, I was listening for your cry, but it never came.  You were the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, you looked so sweet.  You looked just like a sleeping baby, you had the sweetest little pink lips.  I just wanted you to wake up.  I wanted to wake up from that nightmare, but unfortunately it was to become our new reality.  There will forever be a part of me missing. 
I am so sorry baby for all the times I felt like talking to you but was too embarrassed because people were around.  I cherished every moment with you and I remember smiling to myself at even the slightest movement from you.  I remember sitting in the living room with your grandparents watching tv, and resting my glass of water on my belly and watching you kick it, I have never felt happier.  I didn't tell anyone, it was like our little secret, and it is one of my favorite memories of our short time together.  I thought when you got bigger I would share our little secret with you and we would laugh about it, but we never got that chance.  We never expected to lose you so soon, we had so many plans for you.  I am so sorry I took you away from your abba g for the last few weeks of your life, if we would have known what was coming I would have never left, we only wanted what was best for you.  I still remember that day on the plane you were more active than you had been at any other time.  When I finally arrived in Houston and got the chance to call him, I told him you kept kicking me telling me to bring you back to him.  That evening is the first time I noticed that when you moved I could see my belly moving, it was amazing!  A few weeks after that I was able to show your abba g on skype, and he was as amazed as I was.  We were so excited to be getting so close to finally meeting you.  I had all your things set up in my room, clothes and diapers washed and put away.  The only thing missing was you.  About one week before you left us, I asked your abba g if he was ready to be a father, he said he was so ready.  I remember telling him I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mother, that I was getting nervous.  I wanted the best for you and was afraid to fail you somehow, and I did.  I was supposed to protect you, but I wasn't able to protect you from death.  I feel like my body betrayed me, how could it let my precious baby die?  I am so sorry baby, I never wanted this to happen.
You were so funny too.  I remember how your grandmother was so excited about you, she used to ask me to tell her when you were moving so she could put her hand on my belly and feel you.  So, when you were very active I would tell her, she would run over excitedly, and right as she got her hand on my belly you stopped moving.  It was so funny.  When she walked away you started moving again, you were already playing with her.  She was going to spoil you so rotten, I already knew that and was looking forward to the little arguments with her about giving you candy or buying you too many noisy toys.  She and your grandfather loved you so much, they were also so excited to meet you.  They bought you so many nice things.  Your aunt Chelsea also bought you so many things, she was so funny when my mom would lie to her and tell her you were coming, she got so excited and believed her everytime.  Then when I told her it was a lie, she would get so upset.  Your uncle Michael loved you too, and I know he was gonna teach you about football.  My momma was the first to get to hold you while the doctors were stitching me up, we both were admiring your beauty.  You were so loved, and you are very missed by so many.  In the recovery room, the nurse brought you to me, and we were able to do a video call with your abba g.  It was so hard for him to not be able to hold and kiss you, he loved you soooo much.  He was as amazed at your beauty as I was, we agreed how perfect you were.  He often tells me you were too perfect for this earth, and he's right.
In my day to day life I often imagine what you would be doing if you were with me.  Everytime I get in the car to go somewhere I remember that I should be loading you up in your carseat.  It is a horrible loneliness that I would never wish on anyone.  I have never known a pain so dark and raw, and it's hard to believe it comes from a love so deep and pure and light.  Your abba g and I wanted to give you the world, we would have done anything for you.  But God had other plans for you, He gave you heaven instead.  We know you have so much more than we could ever give you, but we miss you so much, and everyday I wish you were here with me. 
You were a true miracle baby, and we are forever grateful for our time with you, although it was far too short.    I miss you Nayab baby.  I think about you constantly, and you will forever live inside of my heart.  Your abba g and I talk about you often, I hope you can hear us, and I hope you know how much we love you.  You were the best of both of us, and we will never ever forget you...

Friday, March 30, 2012

New business venture

So, I decided to start selling Scentsy and have not decided yet if it was a mistake.  I don't really have face to face contact with very many people outside of family, so I am thinking it's a mistake.  I thought I would do well at selling online, but that is not the case.  I need to get a real job, but I am so afraid of being in public places, running into pregnant women and small babies makes my heart ache so bad, just a physical reminder of what is missing from my life.  I miss my Nayab so much.  But I think I am running out of options, my healthcare has ended because I don't have a child in my care and I'm no longer pregnant, so I definitely need a job to pay for doctor's visits.  My husband is saving everything he earns for his ticket (if they ever approve his visa) but it's still far from enough.  I just don't know what to do...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

New friend...

So, today I ventured into Wal-Mart for the second time since our loss.  I can't say I was happy about it, but I needed to pick up my prescription.  As I was standing in line at the pharmacy, I saw a woman in hijab walk past and turn down an aisle.  I was thinking I should go after her and give her salams, but I was afraid.  Finally I thought maybe this is the reason you decided to come to Wal-Mart now instead of later, maybe it's your destiny to talk to her so just go for it, besides, the worst that could happen is she can think you're strange and you will never see her again.  So, I walked quickly and came to the last aisle and cut her off and gave her salam and introduced myself.  We exchanged numbers and I am hoping I have a new friend!  "Why is this blog worthy?"  you may be asking.  Weeeelllll, I am staying with my parents in a small city which I previously thought had an almost non existant muslim community, so when I saw a sister at the store I was uber excited!  I am desperately needing to reconnect with my faith right now, so I am looking forward to meeting with new sisters in my area! 

Saturday, March 24, 2012


So, I have been avoiding Wal-Mart like the plague since the loss of my baby.  Actually I have been avoiding most public places where pregnant ladies tend to swarm.  For the past 8 weeks, my father has been kind enough to pick up my groceries for me as I haven't felt up to it.  Last night, I decided to face my fears, and venture out into the unknown (atleast recently forgotten).  I waited until after 10 p.m., hoping the pregnant ladies would be at home asleep. I guess I had forgotten the sleepless nights of the third trimester.  Sigh, I would give anything to have that be the reason of my lack of sleep again, either that or the sweet cries of a newborn.  Anyway, as I collected myself and headed to the sliding doors, what is the first thing I see?  A very pregnant lady and her significant other heading out the door, walking straight towards me.  It pulls at my heart a little, but I am determined to carry on and conquer!  So, I carry on with my shopping and pretty soon I see a big pregnant lady baring part of her bump in a too small tank top walking towards me and buying what else, diapers.  I was in the grocery section, nowhere near the baby aisles, and this one was a little harder.  I thought I should be buying supplies for my sweet baby.  Still determined I caought my breath and carried on.  As this lady was walking away from the grocery aisle (at this point I was behind her), another very pregnant lady and her partner walk past the afore mentioned preggie, and the two glowing mothers to be make eye contact and exchange a greeting and smile, like they are understanding eachother.  It was as if to say I understand.  They were part of an exclusive club I would love to be in.  This broke my heart, I wanted to run up to them and say "don't look so happy, it doesn't always end well, look what happened to me!"  Unfortunately I am a cardholding member of a different club, the babyloss club.  It's a club I wish I was never introduced to, but membership is eternal (there is a nice poem about this floating around out there somewhere, I think I saw it on another blog).  Please don't get me wrong, I don't harbor any ill feelings toward pregnant ladies, they are just a reminder of what use to be, and newborns of what should be now.  It's a little hard to describe, but if you don't know what I am talking about, I pray you never will, insha'Allah(God willing).  Luckily I didn't see any newborn babies, but did see two small babies in carriers, and it stung a little.  Made me wonder what milestones our Nayab baby would be reaching this week (he would be almost 9 weeks old).  There are constant reminders all around.  I managed to hold back the tears until I reached the vitamin aisle (I read that if you want to ttc soon after delivering that you should continue to take your prenatal vitamins to build up your body's stores quicker, not to mention it's recommended to start them before pregnancy), so I was there to get some prenatals.  As I searched the aisle looking for the vitamins, my eyes welled up with tears, remembering how these vitamins use to be to make sure my baby would grow well and be healthy, and he was.  That is the hardest thing to deal with, he was healthy and perfect, yet he still died.  So everything came flooding in, and I lost it.  I finally found the prenatals and quickly left the area.  As my items were being rung up, the cashier noticed my vitamins and proceeded to tell me how she never took vitamins or saw a doctor during her pregnancies.  I asked if her baby was fine and she said yes he has graduated from Texas Tech.  So I told her, well I guess it doesn't matter, you didn't see a doctor or take your vitamins, and your baby was fine, I saw my doctor regulartly and took my vitamins and my baby died.  She said what?  He died?  Like she was shocked I would even say that.  She said oh, I am sorry, you just weren't meant to have it. REALLY LADY?!?  I was a bit taken aback, but thought I guess you brought that one on yourself, no more telling strangers.  Then she proceeded to tell me about that book "Heaven is for Real," in which a little boy dies and goes to heaven and meets his little sister who happened to be from a miscarriage, and they talked to Jesus, and he is then resucitated.  I only caught the main idea, I couldn't really focus on all she was saying, she was a talker.  I wanted to tell her I am muslim, my beliefs differ a little, but I was still just so shaken up, so I just nodded.  I didn't say anything else and she finally finished.  As I was walking away she asked if I was pregnant now, I said no, my husband is overseas, the vitamins are for trying again.  She said how far along were you, I told her 39 weeks, and she exclaimed oh, that far!  I sadly nodded yes.  She proceeded to say, don't worry he or she is in heaven and you will meet them again someday.  I nodded and thought what a lovely idea, insha'Allah.  So I left.  I loaded my groceries and got in the truck and started crying uncontrollably.  Praying to God to make things better, to bring my husband to me, and to protect us from future tragedies and give us happiness in the future.  To give us patience and strength and to forgive us for any sins we may have commited during our grieving.  I told my Nayab baby how much I loved and missed him.  It was a rough night, but as soon as I could control myself I made my way home, alhamdulillah, and unpacked my food items.  May Allah(THE GOD) have mercy on us and on all the parents who have buried a child at any stage in life, may he give us all strength and patience to endure this pain and introduce us to peace again, may He protect expectant parents from this heartache, ameen. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Nayab's Story (the story that ended too soon)

Assalamualaikum.  Hello everyone.  I would like to share the story of the death and birth of our precious baby boy Nayab, starting from the very beginning.  In August of 2010, I travelled to Lahore, Pakistan with my friend turned sister in law, to get married to her husband's brother.  We married on the 8, and Ramadhan began on the 12, I believe.  Anyway, the next month, much to my surprise as I have PCOS and type two diabetes, we discovered I was pregnant.  We were very, very excited, but sadly our happiness was short-lived.  In October of 2010, we discovered we had had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks gestation.  After this heartbreak, we were desperate to conceive again.  Approximately 6 months later, on the 27 of May 2011, we had our second positive pregnancy test.  We were over joyed.  We had a couple of HCG draws to make sure my numbers were rising properly, and they were!  A few days later I noticed some spotting and immediately thought I was miscarrying again, so we rushed to the hospital, even though it was the middle of the night.  We were determined to do anything in our power to save this pregnancy.  We went to several different hospitals, only to be told that there was nothing that could be done at this point, and my doctor would not come in for a possible miscarriage because she couldn't prevent it if it was already happening.  The nurses advised us to go home and rest, so we finally obliged.  We went home and I began to research things we could do to prevent miscarriage.  I read that many women with PCOS often miscarry due to low progesterone, so I asked my husband to go out and buy some progesterone suppositories.  He went to several pharmacies and nobody knew what it was, so he came home.  Feeling defeated, I told him we would just have to wait until monday and see what the doctor thought.  He was not ready to give up, he finally found the progesterone suppositories at a large pharmacy, and we started them hoping to save our pregnancy.  The following week we saw my doctor and told her I had started the progesterone suppositories and she said it was a good idea and to up the dosage from 100mg once daily to twice daily, and she ordered bedrest.  So the pregnancy progressed beautifully, and around 18 weeks gestation we found out we were having a boy!  We were so excited, everyone thought it was a girl, but as soon as we found out it was a boy we couldn't have been happier!  We started buying clothes and baby things, and started making lists of boy names.  We each made a list of names we liked, and over the course of several weeks finally narrowed it down to about 6 names. 
We started discussing whether I should deliver in Pakistan or at home in the US.  After weeks and weeks of discussion, we were running out of time, as my doctor didn't want me to travel after 29 weeks gestation.  I finally told my husband that I would leave the decision on him, and whatever he decided I would happily agree to.  So after alot of thought he said he thought we would have better medical facilities if I came back to deliver.  I agreed.  I was sad to leave my husband as we were still waiting for his visa interview, but we both wanted what was best for our baby boy.  So we finished up our baby shopping, bought gifts for my family, decided on a baby name, and at 28 weeks gestation on November 10, 2011(Pakistan time), I boarded the plane.  It was the hardest thing to leave my husband, but for the health of our baby it was worth it.  I arrived in Houston on the 10 of November (US time).  I stayed in Houston with my father-in-law, brother-in-law and his wife, for a couple of weeks before coming to West Texas to stay with my parents.
Everything was going well, I got in to see an OB, who referred me to a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor for my diabetes.  The MFM saw me every week and had me doing non stress tests twice weekly, to monitor the baby's heartrate and activity levels, making sure the placenta was working properly.  We had a 4D ultrasound at 32 weeks, and our sweet little boy had the cutest little fat cheeks!  We could see how beautiful he was already!  Our due date was January 30, 2012, on the 19th I went in for my NST and doctor's appointment, I was 38 weeks plus and the baby was still breech.  He had done perfectly on the NST as usual, and looked good on ultrasound.  My doctor said that if he was breech at my next appointment, which would be the 26th, we would schedule a c-section for the 27th, which was a Friday.  I told him the baby was moving less and he told me I was probably just not noticing it as much now.  The week before I also told him that my baby was not as active but he didn't say anything.  I never made it to my next appointment.  On Sunday the 22nd of January I hadn't felt my baby move all day.  I tried playing music for him, jiggling my belly a little bit, talking to him, placing an ice pack on my belly, anything I could think of to make him move, I tried.  By this point I was starting to really worry, and was having pain in my back and stomach, and felt like my ribs were being ripped apart.  My mom called my aunt since she had had kids more recently, and when she got there she felt my belly and said it was tightening and she thought I was in labor.  We all thought it was normal for the baby to not move during contractions, so the worry was lifted.  My aunt called the hospital and I jumped in the shower.  The doctor on call said we should come in right away if the baby wasn't moving, so my aunt rushed me out of the shower.  We were all so excited, expecting to bring home a sweet baby boy very soon.  WE had had his baby shower just 8 days earlier and I had my room all set up with his things, it only needed to be vacumed once more which I asked my mom if she would do while I was in the hospital. She happily agreed, she was just excited to be meeting her first grandbaby soon.  So, by this point my grandmother had arrived, and my dad was ready, so we all went to the hospital, even my sister and her boyfriend came.  None of us were prepared for what would happen next.
So, on Sunday the 22nd of January, around 9 p.m., we got to the hospital and I was wheeled up to labor and delivery.  my parents came in the room with me and the nurse had me pee in that hat thing they place on the toilet and change into the backless gown.  When I came out and got in the bed, she was ready to hook me up to the fetal heart rate monitor.  My dad left the room, and it was only my mom and me.  She couldn't find his heartbeat.  Silence.  She said sometimes it's harder to find with breech babies.  I knew this wasn't the case as they never had a problem finding it on the NST's.  I held on to the hope that maybe she just didn't know what she was doing.  In came the on call doctor with the ultrasound machine.  She was scanning my belly while asking a few questions which I can no longer recall.  She looked at me with this horrible expression on her face, but looked back at the screen.  Tears were silently falling, hoping she would find something this time.  She gave me the look again, she looked like she would cry herself.  I started crying loudly saying no over and over again.  She said I'm sorry we can't find a heartbeat.  My mom was hugging me as I was saying I can't do this.  We were both in shock, but she assured me I would get through this.  I kept thinking OH GOD, how can I tell my husband.  We had been so excited about his upcoming arrival.  After some time had passed, my MFM came in and redid the scan, showing us his heart, and it was indeed still.  THE WORST PAIN EVER!!!  He discussed our options.  I could either opt for the c-section, they could induce me, or I could go home and wait for  active labor to begin on it's own.  I asked if it was safe to try to deliver vaginally with a breech baby, and the doctor assured me that the risks were much lower than those associated with a c-section, and that I was 4 times more likely to die during c-section than with a vaginal delivery, whether the baby was breech or not.  He informed me that they only do c-sections for breech babies for the baby's well being, but that it's actually better for the mother if she can deliver vaginally, so since my baby was gone, he thought this was the best way to go.  He also assured me that it would be better for any future pregnancies if I could avoid surgery.  I called my husband, I didn't want to, but thought he would rather hear the horrible news from me.  So when he answered the phone I asked if he was alone and he said yes.  I told him.  He was saying no it can't be, make them check again. I told him they did the ultrasound twice and showed us his heart and it was still.  He kept saying no again and again.  We were crying together.  He asked me what happened and I told him we don't know yet but my MFM doctor suspects it was a cord accident since the baby had been healthy and doing so perfectly on the NST's.  While crying together we discussed the delivery options and both agreed it was best to let the doctors go ahead and induce me and try to deliver vaginally.  So, when the doctor came back in I agreed to be induced.  They started the cervix ripening drug, and readministered it as needed every few hours.  Then they bagan administering pitocin.  I never made much progress, one doctor said I was a 3 but another doctor checked and said I was at a 1.  So, after 36 hours of labor they decided my pelvic bones were too narrow and we should go ahead and do the c-section.  So, on January 24, 2012 at 10:19 a.m., our perfect baby boy was born silently, at 19.75 inches long and 9 pounds 4 ounces.  I couldn't believe how beautiful and perfect he was, I have never seen a more beautiful baby.  His cord was not wrapped around any part of him, so there was no evidence of a cord accident, but my doctor still thinks it is the most probable cause of death since he was perfectly healthy and my placenta was performing properly.  They sent my placenta for testing at the Mayo Clinic, and ordered chromosome tests on the baby.  When the chromosome test came back it was 46 xx, perfectly normal for a healthy baby GIRL, we found out they had sent a contaminated sample to the lab and accidentally tested my chromosomes instead of his.  The doctor said he appeared normal and healthy and my anomaly scans were clean, as well as my fetal EKG, so there was most likely no chromosomal abnormalities.  Placenta finally came back(after being told nobody sent it to the Mayo Clinic) and my doctor told me there were a few extra blood vessels in my placenta(can't remember what he called it) but that that wouldn't have caused his death.  So we still didn't have any answers, other than learning that there were some incompetent people left in charge of collecting my baby boy's chromosome sample.
Nobody told us we could bring a camera in the operating room, so we have no photos of him right after birth.  When he was born he just looked like a sleeping baby, so beautiful and peaceful.  Unfortunately the only photos I have of him are when they brought him to me in recovery, after his lips had darkened and his skin was turning pinkish purple.  I wish someone had thought to tell us to bring the camera in, don't get me wrong, the photos I have are my most prized posession, but I would love to have atleast one photo of him looking like a sleeping baby, not a dead baby.  As soon as they brought him to me in the recovery room, I did a video call with my husband and we were able to spend a short time as a family.  I will always cherish those moments, as well as the 39 weeks he lived inside of me.  We will love him and miss him forever, our Nayab baby.  He will forever be our perfect baby boy, Alhamdulillah....