Trying to pick up the pieces after the loss of our beautiful baby boy, Nayab....

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Nayab's Story (the story that ended too soon)

Assalamualaikum.  Hello everyone.  I would like to share the story of the death and birth of our precious baby boy Nayab, starting from the very beginning.  In August of 2010, I travelled to Lahore, Pakistan with my friend turned sister in law, to get married to her husband's brother.  We married on the 8, and Ramadhan began on the 12, I believe.  Anyway, the next month, much to my surprise as I have PCOS and type two diabetes, we discovered I was pregnant.  We were very, very excited, but sadly our happiness was short-lived.  In October of 2010, we discovered we had had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks gestation.  After this heartbreak, we were desperate to conceive again.  Approximately 6 months later, on the 27 of May 2011, we had our second positive pregnancy test.  We were over joyed.  We had a couple of HCG draws to make sure my numbers were rising properly, and they were!  A few days later I noticed some spotting and immediately thought I was miscarrying again, so we rushed to the hospital, even though it was the middle of the night.  We were determined to do anything in our power to save this pregnancy.  We went to several different hospitals, only to be told that there was nothing that could be done at this point, and my doctor would not come in for a possible miscarriage because she couldn't prevent it if it was already happening.  The nurses advised us to go home and rest, so we finally obliged.  We went home and I began to research things we could do to prevent miscarriage.  I read that many women with PCOS often miscarry due to low progesterone, so I asked my husband to go out and buy some progesterone suppositories.  He went to several pharmacies and nobody knew what it was, so he came home.  Feeling defeated, I told him we would just have to wait until monday and see what the doctor thought.  He was not ready to give up, he finally found the progesterone suppositories at a large pharmacy, and we started them hoping to save our pregnancy.  The following week we saw my doctor and told her I had started the progesterone suppositories and she said it was a good idea and to up the dosage from 100mg once daily to twice daily, and she ordered bedrest.  So the pregnancy progressed beautifully, and around 18 weeks gestation we found out we were having a boy!  We were so excited, everyone thought it was a girl, but as soon as we found out it was a boy we couldn't have been happier!  We started buying clothes and baby things, and started making lists of boy names.  We each made a list of names we liked, and over the course of several weeks finally narrowed it down to about 6 names. 
We started discussing whether I should deliver in Pakistan or at home in the US.  After weeks and weeks of discussion, we were running out of time, as my doctor didn't want me to travel after 29 weeks gestation.  I finally told my husband that I would leave the decision on him, and whatever he decided I would happily agree to.  So after alot of thought he said he thought we would have better medical facilities if I came back to deliver.  I agreed.  I was sad to leave my husband as we were still waiting for his visa interview, but we both wanted what was best for our baby boy.  So we finished up our baby shopping, bought gifts for my family, decided on a baby name, and at 28 weeks gestation on November 10, 2011(Pakistan time), I boarded the plane.  It was the hardest thing to leave my husband, but for the health of our baby it was worth it.  I arrived in Houston on the 10 of November (US time).  I stayed in Houston with my father-in-law, brother-in-law and his wife, for a couple of weeks before coming to West Texas to stay with my parents.
Everything was going well, I got in to see an OB, who referred me to a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor for my diabetes.  The MFM saw me every week and had me doing non stress tests twice weekly, to monitor the baby's heartrate and activity levels, making sure the placenta was working properly.  We had a 4D ultrasound at 32 weeks, and our sweet little boy had the cutest little fat cheeks!  We could see how beautiful he was already!  Our due date was January 30, 2012, on the 19th I went in for my NST and doctor's appointment, I was 38 weeks plus and the baby was still breech.  He had done perfectly on the NST as usual, and looked good on ultrasound.  My doctor said that if he was breech at my next appointment, which would be the 26th, we would schedule a c-section for the 27th, which was a Friday.  I told him the baby was moving less and he told me I was probably just not noticing it as much now.  The week before I also told him that my baby was not as active but he didn't say anything.  I never made it to my next appointment.  On Sunday the 22nd of January I hadn't felt my baby move all day.  I tried playing music for him, jiggling my belly a little bit, talking to him, placing an ice pack on my belly, anything I could think of to make him move, I tried.  By this point I was starting to really worry, and was having pain in my back and stomach, and felt like my ribs were being ripped apart.  My mom called my aunt since she had had kids more recently, and when she got there she felt my belly and said it was tightening and she thought I was in labor.  We all thought it was normal for the baby to not move during contractions, so the worry was lifted.  My aunt called the hospital and I jumped in the shower.  The doctor on call said we should come in right away if the baby wasn't moving, so my aunt rushed me out of the shower.  We were all so excited, expecting to bring home a sweet baby boy very soon.  WE had had his baby shower just 8 days earlier and I had my room all set up with his things, it only needed to be vacumed once more which I asked my mom if she would do while I was in the hospital. She happily agreed, she was just excited to be meeting her first grandbaby soon.  So, by this point my grandmother had arrived, and my dad was ready, so we all went to the hospital, even my sister and her boyfriend came.  None of us were prepared for what would happen next.
So, on Sunday the 22nd of January, around 9 p.m., we got to the hospital and I was wheeled up to labor and delivery.  my parents came in the room with me and the nurse had me pee in that hat thing they place on the toilet and change into the backless gown.  When I came out and got in the bed, she was ready to hook me up to the fetal heart rate monitor.  My dad left the room, and it was only my mom and me.  She couldn't find his heartbeat.  Silence.  She said sometimes it's harder to find with breech babies.  I knew this wasn't the case as they never had a problem finding it on the NST's.  I held on to the hope that maybe she just didn't know what she was doing.  In came the on call doctor with the ultrasound machine.  She was scanning my belly while asking a few questions which I can no longer recall.  She looked at me with this horrible expression on her face, but looked back at the screen.  Tears were silently falling, hoping she would find something this time.  She gave me the look again, she looked like she would cry herself.  I started crying loudly saying no over and over again.  She said I'm sorry we can't find a heartbeat.  My mom was hugging me as I was saying I can't do this.  We were both in shock, but she assured me I would get through this.  I kept thinking OH GOD, how can I tell my husband.  We had been so excited about his upcoming arrival.  After some time had passed, my MFM came in and redid the scan, showing us his heart, and it was indeed still.  THE WORST PAIN EVER!!!  He discussed our options.  I could either opt for the c-section, they could induce me, or I could go home and wait for  active labor to begin on it's own.  I asked if it was safe to try to deliver vaginally with a breech baby, and the doctor assured me that the risks were much lower than those associated with a c-section, and that I was 4 times more likely to die during c-section than with a vaginal delivery, whether the baby was breech or not.  He informed me that they only do c-sections for breech babies for the baby's well being, but that it's actually better for the mother if she can deliver vaginally, so since my baby was gone, he thought this was the best way to go.  He also assured me that it would be better for any future pregnancies if I could avoid surgery.  I called my husband, I didn't want to, but thought he would rather hear the horrible news from me.  So when he answered the phone I asked if he was alone and he said yes.  I told him.  He was saying no it can't be, make them check again. I told him they did the ultrasound twice and showed us his heart and it was still.  He kept saying no again and again.  We were crying together.  He asked me what happened and I told him we don't know yet but my MFM doctor suspects it was a cord accident since the baby had been healthy and doing so perfectly on the NST's.  While crying together we discussed the delivery options and both agreed it was best to let the doctors go ahead and induce me and try to deliver vaginally.  So, when the doctor came back in I agreed to be induced.  They started the cervix ripening drug, and readministered it as needed every few hours.  Then they bagan administering pitocin.  I never made much progress, one doctor said I was a 3 but another doctor checked and said I was at a 1.  So, after 36 hours of labor they decided my pelvic bones were too narrow and we should go ahead and do the c-section.  So, on January 24, 2012 at 10:19 a.m., our perfect baby boy was born silently, at 19.75 inches long and 9 pounds 4 ounces.  I couldn't believe how beautiful and perfect he was, I have never seen a more beautiful baby.  His cord was not wrapped around any part of him, so there was no evidence of a cord accident, but my doctor still thinks it is the most probable cause of death since he was perfectly healthy and my placenta was performing properly.  They sent my placenta for testing at the Mayo Clinic, and ordered chromosome tests on the baby.  When the chromosome test came back it was 46 xx, perfectly normal for a healthy baby GIRL, we found out they had sent a contaminated sample to the lab and accidentally tested my chromosomes instead of his.  The doctor said he appeared normal and healthy and my anomaly scans were clean, as well as my fetal EKG, so there was most likely no chromosomal abnormalities.  Placenta finally came back(after being told nobody sent it to the Mayo Clinic) and my doctor told me there were a few extra blood vessels in my placenta(can't remember what he called it) but that that wouldn't have caused his death.  So we still didn't have any answers, other than learning that there were some incompetent people left in charge of collecting my baby boy's chromosome sample.
Nobody told us we could bring a camera in the operating room, so we have no photos of him right after birth.  When he was born he just looked like a sleeping baby, so beautiful and peaceful.  Unfortunately the only photos I have of him are when they brought him to me in recovery, after his lips had darkened and his skin was turning pinkish purple.  I wish someone had thought to tell us to bring the camera in, don't get me wrong, the photos I have are my most prized posession, but I would love to have atleast one photo of him looking like a sleeping baby, not a dead baby.  As soon as they brought him to me in the recovery room, I did a video call with my husband and we were able to spend a short time as a family.  I will always cherish those moments, as well as the 39 weeks he lived inside of me.  We will love him and miss him forever, our Nayab baby.  He will forever be our perfect baby boy, Alhamdulillah....    

3 comments:

Maria said...

My heart absolutely breaks for you. You have my thoughts and prayers with you always. Your sweet Nayab is beautiful!

Nikki said...

Thank you so much Maria, we really appreciate your prayers...

JustEllaBella said...

as you know, i share your pain, my son is gone too, I would love to chat to you about how you are coping with everything if you are up for it that is...edouglasmeyers@gmail.com this is an awful road to walk, but I think it gets easier when you dont walk alone