Trying to pick up the pieces after the loss of our beautiful baby boy, Nayab....

Saturday, March 24, 2012


So, I have been avoiding Wal-Mart like the plague since the loss of my baby.  Actually I have been avoiding most public places where pregnant ladies tend to swarm.  For the past 8 weeks, my father has been kind enough to pick up my groceries for me as I haven't felt up to it.  Last night, I decided to face my fears, and venture out into the unknown (atleast recently forgotten).  I waited until after 10 p.m., hoping the pregnant ladies would be at home asleep. I guess I had forgotten the sleepless nights of the third trimester.  Sigh, I would give anything to have that be the reason of my lack of sleep again, either that or the sweet cries of a newborn.  Anyway, as I collected myself and headed to the sliding doors, what is the first thing I see?  A very pregnant lady and her significant other heading out the door, walking straight towards me.  It pulls at my heart a little, but I am determined to carry on and conquer!  So, I carry on with my shopping and pretty soon I see a big pregnant lady baring part of her bump in a too small tank top walking towards me and buying what else, diapers.  I was in the grocery section, nowhere near the baby aisles, and this one was a little harder.  I thought I should be buying supplies for my sweet baby.  Still determined I caought my breath and carried on.  As this lady was walking away from the grocery aisle (at this point I was behind her), another very pregnant lady and her partner walk past the afore mentioned preggie, and the two glowing mothers to be make eye contact and exchange a greeting and smile, like they are understanding eachother.  It was as if to say I understand.  They were part of an exclusive club I would love to be in.  This broke my heart, I wanted to run up to them and say "don't look so happy, it doesn't always end well, look what happened to me!"  Unfortunately I am a cardholding member of a different club, the babyloss club.  It's a club I wish I was never introduced to, but membership is eternal (there is a nice poem about this floating around out there somewhere, I think I saw it on another blog).  Please don't get me wrong, I don't harbor any ill feelings toward pregnant ladies, they are just a reminder of what use to be, and newborns of what should be now.  It's a little hard to describe, but if you don't know what I am talking about, I pray you never will, insha'Allah(God willing).  Luckily I didn't see any newborn babies, but did see two small babies in carriers, and it stung a little.  Made me wonder what milestones our Nayab baby would be reaching this week (he would be almost 9 weeks old).  There are constant reminders all around.  I managed to hold back the tears until I reached the vitamin aisle (I read that if you want to ttc soon after delivering that you should continue to take your prenatal vitamins to build up your body's stores quicker, not to mention it's recommended to start them before pregnancy), so I was there to get some prenatals.  As I searched the aisle looking for the vitamins, my eyes welled up with tears, remembering how these vitamins use to be to make sure my baby would grow well and be healthy, and he was.  That is the hardest thing to deal with, he was healthy and perfect, yet he still died.  So everything came flooding in, and I lost it.  I finally found the prenatals and quickly left the area.  As my items were being rung up, the cashier noticed my vitamins and proceeded to tell me how she never took vitamins or saw a doctor during her pregnancies.  I asked if her baby was fine and she said yes he has graduated from Texas Tech.  So I told her, well I guess it doesn't matter, you didn't see a doctor or take your vitamins, and your baby was fine, I saw my doctor regulartly and took my vitamins and my baby died.  She said what?  He died?  Like she was shocked I would even say that.  She said oh, I am sorry, you just weren't meant to have it. REALLY LADY?!?  I was a bit taken aback, but thought I guess you brought that one on yourself, no more telling strangers.  Then she proceeded to tell me about that book "Heaven is for Real," in which a little boy dies and goes to heaven and meets his little sister who happened to be from a miscarriage, and they talked to Jesus, and he is then resucitated.  I only caught the main idea, I couldn't really focus on all she was saying, she was a talker.  I wanted to tell her I am muslim, my beliefs differ a little, but I was still just so shaken up, so I just nodded.  I didn't say anything else and she finally finished.  As I was walking away she asked if I was pregnant now, I said no, my husband is overseas, the vitamins are for trying again.  She said how far along were you, I told her 39 weeks, and she exclaimed oh, that far!  I sadly nodded yes.  She proceeded to say, don't worry he or she is in heaven and you will meet them again someday.  I nodded and thought what a lovely idea, insha'Allah.  So I left.  I loaded my groceries and got in the truck and started crying uncontrollably.  Praying to God to make things better, to bring my husband to me, and to protect us from future tragedies and give us happiness in the future.  To give us patience and strength and to forgive us for any sins we may have commited during our grieving.  I told my Nayab baby how much I loved and missed him.  It was a rough night, but as soon as I could control myself I made my way home, alhamdulillah, and unpacked my food items.  May Allah(THE GOD) have mercy on us and on all the parents who have buried a child at any stage in life, may he give us all strength and patience to endure this pain and introduce us to peace again, may He protect expectant parents from this heartache, ameen. 

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