Trying to pick up the pieces after the loss of our beautiful baby boy, Nayab....

Sunday, April 8, 2012

11 weeks...

Nayab baby, I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you.  It was around this time 11 weeks ago today that I last felt you move, it was a very slight movement like if you had turned your head or upper body slightly.  I often wonder if that is when you left me, or if it was some time through the night.  I am so sorry I didn't realize something was wrong sooner, I would give anything to have been able to save you.  I still can't believe you are gone, it still seems like a bad dream to me, and everyday upon waking, it starts all over again.  I know you remember me and your abba g talking about how much we loved and wanted you, and I believe you could feel our love.  You kept your head right under my heart right up until the bitter end, and I like to believe that the sound of my heartbeat gave you some sort of comfort in your final moments.  I am trying my best to keep myself together, I know you wouldn't want me to fall apart, but it's so hard to continue living while you are no longer with me.  I feel like the day of the surgery they not only removed you from my body, they also removed my heart.  I remember lying there on the table holding my breath when they said the baby's out, I was praying for some sort of miracle, hoping the doctors had made a terrible mistake, I was listening for your cry, but it never came.  You were the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, you looked so sweet.  You looked just like a sleeping baby, you had the sweetest little pink lips.  I just wanted you to wake up.  I wanted to wake up from that nightmare, but unfortunately it was to become our new reality.  There will forever be a part of me missing. 
I am so sorry baby for all the times I felt like talking to you but was too embarrassed because people were around.  I cherished every moment with you and I remember smiling to myself at even the slightest movement from you.  I remember sitting in the living room with your grandparents watching tv, and resting my glass of water on my belly and watching you kick it, I have never felt happier.  I didn't tell anyone, it was like our little secret, and it is one of my favorite memories of our short time together.  I thought when you got bigger I would share our little secret with you and we would laugh about it, but we never got that chance.  We never expected to lose you so soon, we had so many plans for you.  I am so sorry I took you away from your abba g for the last few weeks of your life, if we would have known what was coming I would have never left, we only wanted what was best for you.  I still remember that day on the plane you were more active than you had been at any other time.  When I finally arrived in Houston and got the chance to call him, I told him you kept kicking me telling me to bring you back to him.  That evening is the first time I noticed that when you moved I could see my belly moving, it was amazing!  A few weeks after that I was able to show your abba g on skype, and he was as amazed as I was.  We were so excited to be getting so close to finally meeting you.  I had all your things set up in my room, clothes and diapers washed and put away.  The only thing missing was you.  About one week before you left us, I asked your abba g if he was ready to be a father, he said he was so ready.  I remember telling him I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mother, that I was getting nervous.  I wanted the best for you and was afraid to fail you somehow, and I did.  I was supposed to protect you, but I wasn't able to protect you from death.  I feel like my body betrayed me, how could it let my precious baby die?  I am so sorry baby, I never wanted this to happen.
You were so funny too.  I remember how your grandmother was so excited about you, she used to ask me to tell her when you were moving so she could put her hand on my belly and feel you.  So, when you were very active I would tell her, she would run over excitedly, and right as she got her hand on my belly you stopped moving.  It was so funny.  When she walked away you started moving again, you were already playing with her.  She was going to spoil you so rotten, I already knew that and was looking forward to the little arguments with her about giving you candy or buying you too many noisy toys.  She and your grandfather loved you so much, they were also so excited to meet you.  They bought you so many nice things.  Your aunt Chelsea also bought you so many things, she was so funny when my mom would lie to her and tell her you were coming, she got so excited and believed her everytime.  Then when I told her it was a lie, she would get so upset.  Your uncle Michael loved you too, and I know he was gonna teach you about football.  My momma was the first to get to hold you while the doctors were stitching me up, we both were admiring your beauty.  You were so loved, and you are very missed by so many.  In the recovery room, the nurse brought you to me, and we were able to do a video call with your abba g.  It was so hard for him to not be able to hold and kiss you, he loved you soooo much.  He was as amazed at your beauty as I was, we agreed how perfect you were.  He often tells me you were too perfect for this earth, and he's right.
In my day to day life I often imagine what you would be doing if you were with me.  Everytime I get in the car to go somewhere I remember that I should be loading you up in your carseat.  It is a horrible loneliness that I would never wish on anyone.  I have never known a pain so dark and raw, and it's hard to believe it comes from a love so deep and pure and light.  Your abba g and I wanted to give you the world, we would have done anything for you.  But God had other plans for you, He gave you heaven instead.  We know you have so much more than we could ever give you, but we miss you so much, and everyday I wish you were here with me. 
You were a true miracle baby, and we are forever grateful for our time with you, although it was far too short.    I miss you Nayab baby.  I think about you constantly, and you will forever live inside of my heart.  Your abba g and I talk about you often, I hope you can hear us, and I hope you know how much we love you.  You were the best of both of us, and we will never ever forget you...

2 comments:

Angela Vullo said...

I am so sorry you lost your little one. Your post brought tears to my eyes. As I sit here with my son in my arms I can't even imagine the pain you have suffered. I wish the best for you!

Nikki said...

Thank you Angela.